Re-discovering this blog
Hello blog... it's been about 10 years since I've written in here and my oh my, it's been a long time. So much has changed. I'm married to my wonderful wife, Esther since 6.15.2013. We live in St. Louis, Missouri. I'm still doing Intervarsity. It's been a blessing the past 10 years. It has been a bit of a faith building time over the past couple of years as Esther & I wait for him (more on this later)
As I'm on sabbatical, I've been physically weary and it's felt like Jesus has invited me into a deep rest without a ton of "work". It's been joyful to think about God's provision in my life. He reminded me of that through a bird that landed in the 88 food court. He's brought me this far in my life and I know it's his hands that have guided me. I've been also wrestling with the idea of disappointment & hope and how to hold both of those feelings & ideas in the same hand. I notice that I have a self-protection mechanism to protect myself from the feelings of disappointment by lowering my expectations and in essence lowering my ability to hope. I think that hope & disappointment are two sides of the same coin. You cannot have one without the other in this world. To hope is to expose yourself to the possibility of disappointment.
Why is disappointment so strong in me? I think as I grew up with immigrant parents, they've done such a good job trying to adjust and live in the states. They've given up a lot to be here. I am grateful for them. I do wonder if there is disappointment in my family tree. The disappointment of not "making it" as far as they could have. The disappointment of only having one child. The disappointment of their marriage. These are things that I have observed and I can see the effects of those disappointments
To hope is to be out of control for a little bit. To hope is a bit like putting yourself out there without the knowledge that there is a net, but I think that's a fool's hope. There are ways that I've been trying to play God by thinking that I can control disappointment and that is by lowering my hope. Even as I write this, it just feels so foolish. The Lord is my shield, not my own mechanisms to protect my heart. The hope that I have is much deeper than just hoping a marvel movie will be good. My hope is in the Lord... I will wait for him.
As Esther & I wait for a child, we will practice waiting with all our hearts, soul, mind and strength not in the child, but in the Lord. I am waiting for the Lord to deliver us from disappointment and to bring my heart and soul into a deeper resolve where my faith will not be shaken. I think we will continue to experience disappointment in new ways, but perhaps even more exciting we will continue to experience hope in fresh new ways that perhaps stir in my heart even greater praise to Him alone.
And I don't know what I should do
So I will wait on You.
The Lord is here, the Lord is here.
And I can feel His presence near.
So be still and know that He is God
Just wait... right here.
Oh Lord, teach me how to wait
When there's no words to say.
Even then, give me grace to stay.
Right here, in the secret place.
Where time doesn't matter, eternity waits,
And I will not move 'till I stand face to face
With You... with You.
All I want is You.
As I'm on sabbatical, I've been physically weary and it's felt like Jesus has invited me into a deep rest without a ton of "work". It's been joyful to think about God's provision in my life. He reminded me of that through a bird that landed in the 88 food court. He's brought me this far in my life and I know it's his hands that have guided me. I've been also wrestling with the idea of disappointment & hope and how to hold both of those feelings & ideas in the same hand. I notice that I have a self-protection mechanism to protect myself from the feelings of disappointment by lowering my expectations and in essence lowering my ability to hope. I think that hope & disappointment are two sides of the same coin. You cannot have one without the other in this world. To hope is to expose yourself to the possibility of disappointment.
Why is disappointment so strong in me? I think as I grew up with immigrant parents, they've done such a good job trying to adjust and live in the states. They've given up a lot to be here. I am grateful for them. I do wonder if there is disappointment in my family tree. The disappointment of not "making it" as far as they could have. The disappointment of only having one child. The disappointment of their marriage. These are things that I have observed and I can see the effects of those disappointments
To hope is to be out of control for a little bit. To hope is a bit like putting yourself out there without the knowledge that there is a net, but I think that's a fool's hope. There are ways that I've been trying to play God by thinking that I can control disappointment and that is by lowering my hope. Even as I write this, it just feels so foolish. The Lord is my shield, not my own mechanisms to protect my heart. The hope that I have is much deeper than just hoping a marvel movie will be good. My hope is in the Lord... I will wait for him.
As Esther & I wait for a child, we will practice waiting with all our hearts, soul, mind and strength not in the child, but in the Lord. I am waiting for the Lord to deliver us from disappointment and to bring my heart and soul into a deeper resolve where my faith will not be shaken. I think we will continue to experience disappointment in new ways, but perhaps even more exciting we will continue to experience hope in fresh new ways that perhaps stir in my heart even greater praise to Him alone.
Waiting - William Mcdowell
The Lord is here, the Lord is here.
And I can feel His presence here.And I don't know what I should do
So I will wait on You.
The Lord is here, the Lord is here.
And I can feel His presence near.
So be still and know that He is God
Just wait... right here.
Oh Lord, teach me how to wait
When there's no words to say.
Even then, give me grace to stay.
Right here, in the secret place.
Where time doesn't matter, eternity waits,
And I will not move 'till I stand face to face
With You... with You.
All I want is You.
